Learn your song

[swirlsofpurple]

 

I remember one time as a kid, when my mum took me shopping for a backpack. She held up two and asked me which one I would like. I didn’t like either. But I felt unable to communicate this. I had been given a choice. But I wanted a different one. I remember getting frustrated and upset. Not about the bags; I may not have particularly liked them but I didn’t really mind having either. What I was upset by was being incapable of communicating this basic thought. The notion fit in my head simply, but I couldn’t process it into a verbal sentence. And it wasn’t like I was three or four or five. I was at least eight years old.

I’ve always had communication issues, and this instance is the most solid in my mind. The ideas were always all there in my head but I couldn’t process them quickly enough to form the words. I had all these thoughts and couldn’t tell anyone. I loved debating and putting together arguments, but I couldn’t place anything together properly in conversation.

When people were talking I wouldn’t know what to say. And by the time I got my thoughts together the moment had always passed.

I got older and worked hard and got a little better at it. But I knew verbalising my thoughts was never going to be my strong suit.

Then I discovered something: I could write my thoughts down.

The glorious thing about writing was having all the time in the world to put a sentence together: one that expressed what I wanted to say and was coherent. I had found my voice.

*

And just as I worked hard on improving my verbalisation, I worked hard at honing this new-found voice: with time and effort and practice and learning; with the memory of words failing me hanging around my neck. And I dreamt that I had gotten somewhere, finally. 

This is why I can get a little touchy, when I’m trying to learn more about writing and am seeing things I already know. I fall into a ‘this isn’t my first time, I don’t need this, I’ve worked hard to move beyond this’ mind-set. Even though I know logically that we’re all constantly learning. And that writing, like any other craft, is not a skill with a finish line. I can’t help but find myself turning away. As though I’m somehow betraying that younger self, who worked so hard to get here, if I admit I’m not yet fully cooked.

I know that’s something I need to work past. So I try to keep pushing myself forward, outside my comfort zone, to frontiers unknown. And that lands me here; not with a story that would be more my forte, but instead writing a piece about my life.

Comments

[bewize]

Good on you, stepping outside your comfort zone for this piece. And you've captured something a lot of people have difficulty with. I'm glad you're pushing yourself.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you :).