week 9, Title: Sucker punch
Dec. 16th, 2018 06:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swirlsofpurple“You can do whatever you want to me,” he says, “It doesn’t matter.”
The words hit her hard and for several moments the world loses all cohesion. She can’t breathe. She wants to scream. Who did this to you? Who hurt you? Who made you think it was okay for people to hurt you? But he’s just looking at her with confusion. As though the words aren’t dark and cold and bloody, as if the words are just a simple statement of facts.
She takes one step and two and three and takes him into her arms and just holds him.
*
“We need to talk about consent,” she says.
Shock blooms onto his face. “Okay…did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?”
“No. You’re always very good at making sure everything’s okay,” she says. He has always been overly careful of ensuring she wanted what was happening. And she’s not entirely sure how he could be so oblivious to his own needs.
“Okay so…”
“Have you ever said no to sex?”
He smirks. “Why would I say no to sex. Sex is awesome.”
“And you’re always up for it? Even if you’re exhausted?”
He shrugs. And she can tell there’s more there, she rests a hand on his thigh; gentle, encouraging, imploring.
“It’s not a big deal. I just know that I’m not much of a catch, and if I want someone to stay, then I have to please them, I have to do what they want. Or they’ll realise I’m not worth it and they’ll leave. It’s not a big deal though, it’s not like anyone was forcing me into anything.”
“If someone threatened to leave if you didn’t…”
“No. It was nothing like that. It’s just my ex, she was amazing and she was so much better than me and she would tell me that and say I was lucky to have her and it was true. And she would say I had to be worthy of her. I had to earn her love.”
Her stomach feels like it’s hollowed out and she’s falling and falling and falling. “She sounds like a manipulative asshole.”
“It wasn’t like that. Anyway, you’re so much more amazing than she was. And I love you so much. And I don’t want you to leave. I can’t lose you.”
“You’re not going to lose me. And I’m never going to leave just because you tell me no.”
“Okay,” he says, but she’s not sure he believes it.
“Have I ever done anything you were uncomfortable with?" She asks.
“What? No! Never!”
“Okay. Promise you will tell me if I do?”
He squirms. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It really is.”
He sighs, looking at her almost forlorn, “I promise.”
The words hit her hard and for several moments the world loses all cohesion. She can’t breathe. She wants to scream. Who did this to you? Who hurt you? Who made you think it was okay for people to hurt you? But he’s just looking at her with confusion. As though the words aren’t dark and cold and bloody, as if the words are just a simple statement of facts.
She takes one step and two and three and takes him into her arms and just holds him.
*
“We need to talk about consent,” she says.
Shock blooms onto his face. “Okay…did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?”
“No. You’re always very good at making sure everything’s okay,” she says. He has always been overly careful of ensuring she wanted what was happening. And she’s not entirely sure how he could be so oblivious to his own needs.
“Okay so…”
“Have you ever said no to sex?”
He smirks. “Why would I say no to sex. Sex is awesome.”
“And you’re always up for it? Even if you’re exhausted?”
He shrugs. And she can tell there’s more there, she rests a hand on his thigh; gentle, encouraging, imploring.
“It’s not a big deal. I just know that I’m not much of a catch, and if I want someone to stay, then I have to please them, I have to do what they want. Or they’ll realise I’m not worth it and they’ll leave. It’s not a big deal though, it’s not like anyone was forcing me into anything.”
“If someone threatened to leave if you didn’t…”
“No. It was nothing like that. It’s just my ex, she was amazing and she was so much better than me and she would tell me that and say I was lucky to have her and it was true. And she would say I had to be worthy of her. I had to earn her love.”
Her stomach feels like it’s hollowed out and she’s falling and falling and falling. “She sounds like a manipulative asshole.”
“It wasn’t like that. Anyway, you’re so much more amazing than she was. And I love you so much. And I don’t want you to leave. I can’t lose you.”
“You’re not going to lose me. And I’m never going to leave just because you tell me no.”
“Okay,” he says, but she’s not sure he believes it.
“Have I ever done anything you were uncomfortable with?" She asks.
“What? No! Never!”
“Okay. Promise you will tell me if I do?”
He squirms. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It really is.”
He sighs, looking at her almost forlorn, “I promise.”
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no subject
Date: 2018-12-18 12:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-18 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-18 06:47 pm (UTC)Yeah, I agree, I think so often the impact of emotional abuse is downplayed.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-18 07:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-18 07:45 pm (UTC)Yeah, it is terrible there needs to be far more support for abused men.
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Date: 2018-12-19 01:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-19 04:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-19 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-19 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-20 07:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-20 06:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-20 09:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-21 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-22 05:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-23 10:40 am (UTC)I'm so glad you enjoy my writing. Especially as I've enjoyed reading your writing too so much over the years. You know what I realised just now, it's been over ten years, that's so weird to think of.