Learn your song

[swirlsofpurple]

 

I remember one time as a kid, when my mum took me shopping for a backpack. She held up two and asked me which one I would like. I didn’t like either. But I felt unable to communicate this. I had been given a choice. But I wanted a different one. I remember getting frustrated and upset. Not about the bags; I may not have particularly liked them but I didn’t really mind having either. What I was upset by was being incapable of communicating this basic thought. The notion fit in my head simply, but I couldn’t process it into a verbal sentence. And it wasn’t like I was three or four or five. I was at least eight years old.

I’ve always had communication issues, and this instance is the most solid in my mind. The ideas were always all there in my head but I couldn’t process them quickly enough to form the words. I had all these thoughts and couldn’t tell anyone. I loved debating and putting together arguments, but I couldn’t place anything together properly in conversation.

When people were talking I wouldn’t know what to say. And by the time I got my thoughts together the moment had always passed.

I got older and worked hard and got a little better at it. But I knew verbalising my thoughts was never going to be my strong suit.

Then I discovered something: I could write my thoughts down.

The glorious thing about writing was having all the time in the world to put a sentence together: one that expressed what I wanted to say and was coherent. I had found my voice.

*

And just as I worked hard on improving my verbalisation, I worked hard at honing this new-found voice: with time and effort and practice and learning; with the memory of words failing me hanging around my neck. And I dreamt that I had gotten somewhere, finally. 

This is why I can get a little touchy, when I’m trying to learn more about writing and am seeing things I already know. I fall into a ‘this isn’t my first time, I don’t need this, I’ve worked hard to move beyond this’ mind-set. Even though I know logically that we’re all constantly learning. And that writing, like any other craft, is not a skill with a finish line. I can’t help but find myself turning away. As though I’m somehow betraying that younger self, who worked so hard to get here, if I admit I’m not yet fully cooked.

I know that’s something I need to work past. So I try to keep pushing myself forward, outside my comfort zone, to frontiers unknown. And that lands me here; not with a story that would be more my forte, but instead writing a piece about my life.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

I enjoyed this and can totally relate.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you enjoyed :)

[kehlen.livejournal.com]

I dislike when the moments to say something pass by in conversation, and my personal challenge is to learn to let it go at once, so quite the opposite of what you needed to do, because when I ~have to, most often I can make communication happen.

But that moment from your childhood is so relatable. I am sorry you have this problem, but also happy you managed to find a workaround, even if sometimes it feels like you're slipping back, back, back.

You're not, by the way. Here is a similar experience: I have worked long and hard to understand spoken English, which is not my mother tongue, but sometimes I just cannot get into the flow of speech at first. The floundering where I only 'get' maybe 60-70% of what is being said lasts 15-20 minutes, and then my mind just 'clicks' into it again.

BUT this slowly happens less and less. I think, I hope, that your feeling of your writing not being enough, again, also eases with time.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you for the lovely comment and thank you for sharing that :).

[bleodswean]

You've captured a familiar experience and made it even more personal before handing it back to the reader as recognizable. I'm glad you write, your voice is strong and you have so much to say.

[swirlsofpurple]

That's so lovely to hear, thank you :).

[jenwithapen]

I have read a few pieces, now, where people have described having issues in childhood, and their parents basically getting them to a point where they've seen them through. I'm not 100% sure that's what happened, here, but it almost feels like it. =D Someone said, "Let's try learning this way," and it really worked for you! That's truly wonderful! And if it was just something done on your own, AMAZING! =D

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you for the lovely comment :).

[bewize]

Good on you, stepping outside your comfort zone for this piece. And you've captured something a lot of people have difficulty with. I'm glad you're pushing yourself.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you :).

[murielle]

Not sure if this is what you mean, but started "playing" Idol because I wanted to learn and I wanted my writing to improve. I have most certainly learned, more and more each season. And I think my writing has improved.

For so long I never felt I could think unless I was writing. Like you, I could never find the right words. Writing is so often my way so speaking.

Excellent think piece!

Well done!

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you :).

Yeah, I too started playing Idol to see if I could do it. I was at that point writing fanfiction and wanted to see if I could write original fiction.

[the_eternal_overthinker]

Having read you in previous seasons and knowing about the excellent stuff you churn out, I know where you are coming from and this was an excellent out of the comfort zone setting, wherein the reader can relate to each word you wrote. Well done!

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you found it relateable :).

And thank you for the compliment of my previous stuff, that's lovely to hear :).

[daisysparrow]

Oh, this was such a beautiful poignant entry! Very relatable!

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, so happy you found it beautiful and poignant :).

[tonithegreat]

This was beautifully done. Succinct and relatable. It was nice to read a slice of life from you.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you found it relatable :).