Week 1: Someone to love you in all your damaged glory

[swirlsofpurple]

 

When there are monsters in the smell of freshly mown grass,

In the ring of a phone, in the knock of a door,

When you can only hide and wait for all to pass,

Who will ever come to know your core,

 

One says he can see you and all you can be,

But his errant belief does suffocate,

No vigour to strive, only to flee,

You know aloneness is your fate,

 

One says you’re lucky he puts up with you,

As you know no one else will,

And it’s all so fucked up, but still true,

As again you freeze so painfully still,

 

One loves you on and on,

Through every missed call, every unopened door,

And finally you feel that you’ve won,

Until he says he can love you no more,

 

You shouldn’t have a child you know,

But it happens and you try every day,

To make sure the monsters in the winds that blow,

Over her hold no sway,

 

And though you stay in solitude,

The child grows wild and fierce and free,

And though the monsters still intrude,

You are still happy.

 

“Are you writing a poem?” he asks, looking over her shoulder.

She tenses, but doesn’t hide it. Her need to have him see it, in spite of everything, is perverse.

“Is that supposed to be me in the fourth stanza? I never said I couldn’t love you. I said you couldn’t love anyone.”

She shrugs, it’s the same in her mind. He was supposed to understand that she loved differently, and he didn’t.

(She’s selfish. She was raised to believe that being anything less would make her weak, pathetic and most of all unworthy. She still tries her hardest, in her own way, to be loving).

There was a time he would’ve fixated, grown that line into a cosmic betrayal, she almost misses those times when he moves to the next paragraph.

“Is this you trying to convince yourself you’re a good parent? I know we were all worried you would be too heartless and cold and harsh, but you’ve frankly overcorrected the other way.”  

“Fuck you.” She briefly considers asking for a divorce, it feels like they’re ramping up towards one of their ‘let’s end it all’ phases again, but she doesn’t have the energy, especially considering they never go through with it. And likely never will. As much as they hate each other, they also love each other.

“The kid needs discipline.”

“The kid’s fine.”

(She hadn’t known how to be a loving parent, having no loving parents of her own to learn from. She's doing okay. But the thought of discipline makes bile rise in her throat: being told she looked fucking stupid when she cried, being ignored, watching her brother cower bruised and bloody. And she knows, that’s not what discipline is, but her spine knows otherwise).

“You love her, we all know you love her, she knows you love her. Teaching her how to behave doesn’t mean you love her any less, and doesn’t mean you love her flaws any less.”   

She purses her lips, blinks to keep the tears in place. Swallows and swallows and swallows and says, “Okay.”

Comments

[bleodswean]

Read this twice to let it really find the bone. I love the switch from poem to prose! You've done such a great job of moving from her monsters to the monstrous behavior of others.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, so glad you liked the poem to prose switch :)

[thephantomq]

This is an interesting set up -- and an interesting relationship between the husband and wife. I enjoyed it.

[fausts_dream]

Piques my interest. I also enjoyed the transition from poem to prose

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you enjoyed the transition :)

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you enjoyed :)

[favoritebean_writes]

As a parent and a spouse, this hits right in the center.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad it had an impact :)

[roina_arwen]

I also like the switch from the poem to the story surrounding it. It really adds depth to the entry.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you liked the switch :)

[muchtooarrogant]

I was reading your poem so intently that the transition from it to prose really caught me off guard. :)

I particularly liked, "But his errant belief does suffocate"

The interaction between the husband and wife is incredibly sad, and feels very realistic as well. His attempted manipulation makes me want to scream, which I'm certain you intended.

Very well done.

Dan

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you liked that line and found the husband and wife interaction realistic :)

[halfshellvenus]

Walking the (necessary) tightrope of unconditional love and kind firmness is one of the trickiest balancing acts of parenthood. But so very necessary.

[swirlsofpurple]

I don't have kids myself, but I imagine that must be very difficult.

[hangedkay]

the lead up to and the last "okay" at the end says so much. it really encompasses where she is as a parent and as a wife and as a person.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you :)

[murielle]

Wow!

It hurts but in a good way. It's raw but also loving, hopeful, and honest--In a good way.

Truth is rarely pretty, but it's good.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you :)

[rayaso]

I enjoyed this very much, especially the opening line and the transition. Very well written.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you enjoyed :)

[static_abyss]

That transition was really beautiful and you chose the perfect spot for it. I like that the shift caught me by surprise right as the husband caught the wife by surprise. I love the way you've used poem and prose to add to your entry.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you liked the transition and the use of poem and prose :)

[banana_galaxy]

There are parts of this husband/wife dynamic that hit a little too close to home for me, but, thankfully I've been out of that situation for a few years now. It still means I can feel quite sensitive when I read about similar dynamics though.

[swirlsofpurple]

*Hugs* Glad you're out of that situation

[adoptedwriter]

Reminds me of people who “arm chair” parent but never lift a finger to actually or meaningfully help. The poem-prose effect was well-balanced.

[swirlsofpurple]

Absolutely. In my mind when I was writing it, the husband was the sort of workaholic who left before the kid was up and returned when they were already in bed.

Glad you liked the poem-prose balance.

[mollywheezy]

Very moving and excellently written!

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you found it moving :)

[alycewilson]

Wow. This is so layered and multi-faceted. I really feel for this mom and all she's been through.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad it made you feel for her :)

[erulissedances]

You described a person of wonderful complexity in just a few well-chosen words.

- Erulisse (one L)

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you :)

[gunwithoutmusic]

This is so good. I appreciate how there's no real good or bad, right or wrong here. Just differences. And what an excellent illustration of how difficult those differences can really be to see. Great work as usual :)

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you liked it :)