Week 2, Title: Ice-water

[swirlsofpurple]

 

There’s a boy in the ballroom throwing up ice-water,

Creaking floor-boards squelch with water-sodden feet,

The heat dial’s turned up, but their hands turn blue,

The captain says- It’s a sickness.

 

Everyone on the lower decks is scrabbling at their throats,

Everyone on the higher decks trying to warm screeching limbs,

They turn around, heading back for land,

The captain insists- It’s a sickness.

 

The ship hits the shore rocky,

Its crew barely alive enough to steer,

There are bodies in the cabins, grey and frozen,

The captain mutters, incoherent, incessant- It’s a sickness, a sickness, a sickness.

 

Those who can scrabble onto land, dragging with them those who can’t,

Lost fingers and toes and hands and feet and lives in the debris,

And no sickness to be found.

The captain, voice desperate and reedy, teeth-chattering, hands in his hair, shouts- It’s a sickness.

 

The old stories come out soon enough,

A ghost-addled ship, the captain bought for cheap,

New paint-job, new name, new life, all warnings forgotten,

The captain lives, cold lingers on his skin, forever haunted.

 

 

Comments

[gunwithoutmusic]

Wow, this was very creepy and atmospheric. The last line really got me. Good work!

[megatronix]

This is so creepy!! In that awesome, Halloween ghost story way! I like this line: "There are bodies in the cabins, grey and frozen." So very creepy. I like what you did with all this!

[bsgsix]

VERY creepy from the first line - that "throwing up ice-water" line grabbed me, and then, I was pulled under by this. The repetitiveness of "sickness" worked very well, too. I was intrigued by your great work here! :)

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you liked that last line

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, glad you liked that line

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, so glad that first line grabbed you

[murielle]

Wow! This is awesome! It reminded me of the first season of "The Terror.". The horror, the denial, the slow agonizing death .

Brava! Well done!

[bleodswean]

OOOOOOOH! What a great piece! And in poetic form! That's really fantastic, J! I was pulled in from the beginning with this superb visual - There’s a boy in the ballroom throwing up ice-water, ! I could see it and I'm mighty envious over your skill there.

Really really great work!

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you so much, so glad you liked it

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you so much, so glad you were pulled in and could see that image :).

[uselesstinrelic]

I want to have a lot to say about this, because I really enjoyed it. But it was so succinctly written that I am struggling to find what to say because it just stands so nicely on its own. It's engaging as a whole, but also leaves me with a lot of curiosity about what happened. But I also know it's not necessary to know, because so much of the enjoyment is in not.

Sometimes a piece that's too enigmatic leaves you wanting more. Sometimes a piece gives you too much and you wish it had been a little more artistically vague to leave room for multiple readings. This was just spot on! At least that's how I felt about it.

How interesting and well balanced! Very nice work :>

[wolfden]

This was creepy. Well done.

[n3m3sis43]

So creepy! I'd love to see you write the story of the original events that led to the haunting, if the urge strikes you to do so someday. :)

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, so glad you found it engaging and gave the right amount for you :)

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you :)

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, I was tempted to write the original events for the prompt, but I thought that would probably be too on the nose, so it's a definite possibility that I will write it one day :)

[alycewilson]

Well done. A sparse retelling of that ghostly tale.

[halfshellvenus]

Oh, I loved how the last paragraph tied everything together with such a sense of the doom having been inevitable.

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you :)

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you, so glad you liked the way it tied together :)